What is it about a married woman...

That turns guys on?

Last night I went out with my husband (gasp!) and some friends to a local bar for a poker tournament. I went for the fun of it and to help a friend with her sudden intense itch for a good game of poker.

Once you get knocked out of the tournament, you're pretty much stuck waiting for your friends to finish... so when you go out, you have to sit at the bar by yourself with all of the other losers.

So while we were playing I was not my usual "call it all" type self. It wasn't the buy-in I was worried about losing, it was the fear I had of having to sit in loserville at the bar.

But mid-way through my game I thought the guy next to me was trying to look at my cards... so I called him on it. Rather loudly, he said, "I wasn't looking at your cards, honey, I was looking at your..." (fill in the blank - with a 4 letter word, not eyes.)

I managed not to deck him... and just kept playing. Eventually I got kicked out and shuffled over to loserville... alone.

While I was sitting there, one of the other losers came over to talk to me. "Blah blah blah" was pretty much all I heard. I was too busy trying to count how many more chips till Dave was out so I had some company...

"Oh I see you're married," Loser #1 said, holding up my hand.
"You have good eyes," I glared.
"Is your husband here?" he asked.
"Yes. He's right there," I responded, pointing at my husband who was intent on his poker hand.
"Lucky guy," he said. "Will he mind me hitting on you?"

I just asked him what kind of response he thought he was going to get from that statement? I mean was he hoping I was going to tell him that indeed, we were swingers and in fact we had been eyeing him for a threesome? I mean come on!

And while that was the most memorable of the moments... I lost count how many times people would try to talk to me all asking the same question, "Is your husband here?"
Uh yea! But that didn't stop any of them! I think I get hit on more when my hubby is around then when he's not!

So what is the deal with men hitting on married women? Do they really think they're going to get somewhere? My only feasible conclusion on the matter is that they like to be the guy who gets to admire...chat... flirt...and maybe dish out a dollar or two for a beer...maybe hoping for ...what I don't know... BUT they don't want to be the guy who goes and gets tampons at the grocery store, pays for my sporadic shopping sprees or rubs my belly when I have gas.

So what good are you then?

Cheers, S.

The birds and the bees...

So why is it that when you're female and 30 something and you go to the doctor with a stomach ache - they automatically suspect you are pregnant? And even though I told my doctor I have as much chance of being pregnant as I do of having prostate cancer - he still wasn't convinced and made me sit and wait through the infamous pee test. Okay, so no, mom -- don't start knitting a blue blanket. I'm not pregnant! But I still don't know why I have a stomach ache. I'm not stressing about Jocelyn's 4th birthday (yet)...and things are fairly simple and quiet at home... and work... well work is what it has been for the last 6 years so I don't think I've suddenly developed an allergy to it.

There are so many other things it could be, I wish they'd focus on the "what ifs" and not on the what it absolutely, no doubt about it, can't possibly be!

Ugh!

Cheers, S.

'Till Death

If you haven't seen the new fox show Till Death - you're missing out! Whether you're a sappy newlywed or an old married fart - you gotta love the realistic scenerios and good humor this show has to offer.

My husband DVR'ed this because he thought the previews were rather appropriate and it certainly hit close to home. The newlywed wife told the not-so-newlywed her secret to getting the furniture she wanted - was to trade it for sex... so the not-so decides to give it a whirl with her husband. Low and behold... he declines! The horror. Needless to say, she goes out and buys the furniture anyway. The husband gets ticked realizing he just missed the boat... and then wants the promised sex after the fact. So... the wife being a good sport...laughs in his face.

That's my kind of woman.

But seriously this type of husband/wife bartering is a great weapon, I mean tool! For example, have you seen my new manicure/pedicure? It's gorgeous! And all I had to do was make a promise I have no intention of keeping! I mean, uhhh..errrr..It's too bad I have the most awful headache...stomach-ache and cramps I've had in my life! Wink, wink.

Cheers,
S.

Tinkle tinkle little pee...On the potty you will be...

I have spent much of my free time today researching potty training methods...Charts...songs...movies...dolls...you name it. This is the kind of stuff they need to teach you in lamas classes...Not the stupid back rubbing, hand holding BS that had me gritting my teeth screaming, "It's not working!"

Okay, well so far everything I've researched and tried regarding potty training has me regressing to gritting my teeth... oh, and NOTHING is working!

I try leaving Jocelyn (now 3 yo) in undies and she could care less if she pees or poops in 'em. Pull ups... same shit..literally.

We tried the go to the potty every hour method and she just gets sick of me asking and puts up a fight going to the bathroom. Now I don't want to cause trauma for the poor kid so I just give it up for a while and try again the next day.

Now she has gone pee on the potty repeatedly...Pooped once. But she won't tell us when she has to go, but will announce after she's gone poop.

I am just at a loss here...so all of you reading who don't have high schoolers in diapers, please tell me your secret!

I must now go and learn the rest of the words to the "pee pee on the potty song..."

Cheers, S.

All she wants to do is dance...

Since I received quite a few emails from folks after my last post about the dance class, I thought I'd keep you updated on what I think of the class. So....Week three is done and I'm lovin the dance class. I was actually sad to have to miss last week's class cuz I was in Rhode Island.

Anyhow, this week's song of choice is Janet Jackson's "All Night"... another inappropriately appropriate song.

This week's routine so far isn't as cool as the first one, but I'm getting the hang of it much quicker...and it's still a lot of fun. And no, we're not learning "pole moves" and no we aren't installing one in the basement... and so far there has not been any "lap dance" techniques learned... (Sorry if I'm ruining it for you guys...)

By the end of the hour all 20 or so of us are drenched in sweat - so it's a total workout. And while the lights are dimmed in the room and the door is closed, there's a couple of college-age guys who like to hover around the door and try to catch a glimpse. Men are pigs!!

On Thursday when I woke up I was semi-upset that nothing "ached" but by mid-day I needed to pop some tylenol cuz I was sore in places I didn't know could get sore.

Good times!

Cheers, S.

And now, I sit & sulk.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer. For all of you out there who love fall - well woo hoo to f'ing you! I hate it. It may be a "beautiful" season... but the leaves will soon fall of the trees, make a mess of the streets and if it's like last year, snow will soon follow.

You're probably saying... well why the hell do you live in New England then?

I DON'T KNOW! I can't seem to run away!

On the flipside, at least I have another 8 months before I have to look at myself in a bikini...so I guess I can go have another Reese's tee hee Sundae or two...there's time.


Cheers,

S.

The power of music...

I was driving to work this morning and suddenly I was a teenager again. The Sir Mix-a-lot song, "Baby got Back" came on and I was singing along like I was back in the 80s. It was followed by the infamous 4 Non-Blondes Song and I felt like I was driving my Mercury Linx in the summertime with my girlfriends screaming at the top of our lungs "WHAT'S GOING OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" (Did we ever find out?)

So I downloaded a bunch of songs and popped em onto my Ipod and now when I listen to them it's like my own personal time machine. It's amazing what a song can trigger. For instance whenever I hear Thriller I forget about the sick pedafile Michael Jackson has become and instead I'm standing at the bus stop trying to impress Jimmy Alevrez with my single white Michael Jackson glove. (He was so impressed he kissed me for letting him borrow it.)When I'm listening to Cutting Crew's - I just died in your arms tonight - I'm back in my 9th grade study hall...If I hear Lady in Red I'm 12 years old dancing with Jason at my cousin Deb's Bat Mitzvah!

I'm really not sure if any of today's music will have an everlasting imprint on my life... it's just not the same anymore. I can't imagine that 10 years from now I'll be be-bopping around singing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me..."
Well, maybe.

Cheers,

S.

Anyone hungry?

Last night my husband and I went out for Thai food - it was awesome. It's only the 2nd time I've had it. My husband likes his food hot, hot, hot (duh, he married me!!) and the meal wasn't quite at the level to make him choke, so I think he was disappointed in that...

So we decided to top dinner off with dessert at Friendly's. There's no going wrong with ice cream, right? Well...

We decide on what we want - for him, it's his usual... for me it's a low-carb/low-sugar version of my usual - so I can sleep easy at night and not have dreams of my ass inflating (yes, those are real nightmares).

So the waiter comes over to take our order and my husband says, "I'll have a Reese's PENIS..."

Hang on I need a minute before I continue... I can barely type here.

Ok. Phew. That was a good one... anyway... not sure WHAT was on his mind (tho - we did just have dinner in NOHO...), but he meant to order a Reese's PIECES sundae... but somehow... the word got a bit scrambled in his head.

I need another minute.... LOL

Luckily, the waiter was good natured... laughed... and looked at me and said "And for you?" I should have said, "I'll have the same"...but I couldn't come up with something witty while I was hysterically laughing - so I just pointed to what I wanted on the menu and collapsed in my seat.

What a great laugh.

Now I'm going to run for cover because Dave said if I ever told anyone this story, he'd kick my ass. Come on honey... everyone needs a good laugh before going back to work tomorrow!! Besides, you should know by now, you can never trust a woman to keep her mouth shut.

PENIS!

Cheers,
S.

My newest hobby...

It's no secret that I hate this time of year.

The pool will likely be closed tomorrow and I'm holding back the tears.

Last year around this time we decided to re-do the porch and make it a playroom for Jocelyn and get the wood floors put in... so I was busy organizing that and getting ready for my house to become a construction zone.

So now I'm sitting here wondering... what the hell am I going to do for the next 6 or 7 months?

I decided to try something new this year and instead of spending money- I'd do something worthwhile with myself... so I'm taking a new dance class.

Sound boring?

It's called Striptease.

Now do I have your attention?

It's actually quite fun and excellent exercise. I'm literally a pool of sweat when I get done, which, to me, isn't entirely sexy...but Dave considers it money well spent (or at least that's what he tells me.)

They teach you multiple dance routines and the choice of music is enticing to say the least. The first routine we learned was to the song "In Public" by Kelis. It's a very... uhmmm... appropriate...interesting and uhhh "cute" song.

Dave always tries to watch me practice, but I'm not quite drunk I mean good enough for an audience yet. But hang on to your dollar bills... you never know if there will be a recital.

Cheers, S.

Always look behind you before you fart!

With the exception of one of my coworkers... I have managed to keep this story under wraps until I had the perfect time and the perfect place to let it rip. Pun intended.

The other day I was walking into work. It's not a hop skip or a jump, but more like a quarter mile stretch from my car to my cube. It's payback for taking a year off of work to be a stay at home mommy - but I'll save that for another bitch I mean day.

So anyhoo. I was walking to the building and I guess I must have snuck up upon a guy who works at my company because he apparently didn't know I was there. He was walking at a usual pace and I was walking up close behind him.

I got up to within ear shot and suddenly I heard fireworks go off in his pants. It was like BRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPHED. I held in my giggle. Which... you know is hard for me to do (ie: FLOCK!) Eh okay, so maybe he had too much veggie lasagna the night before.

I had almost forgotten about it when two steps later - BRRRRPHED BRRRRRPHED BRRRRPHED. God it was killing me not to bust out laughing - but still I managed not to giggle out loud.

So when we got up to the door,he nearly closed it on me not holding it open like the gentlemenly thing to do... so he was obviously oblivious to the fact that there was someone walking behind him.

So when the door didn't just let go and he finally realized there was someone behind him - his eyes went large and he muttered something to the effect of "Oh shit!" Now I wanted to say "Uhhh I hope not..." but I just kind of smiled and was probably just as embarrassed as he was. And as soon as I was out of ear shot I broke into hysterical laughter and I'm actually still cracking up now.

Luckily I haven't seen this guy since (he's probably out sick)...cuz while I wasn't the farter... it's really quite embarrassing to be the fartee. I mean really... what do you say in that situation...????

ROTFLMAO.


Cheers,

S.

Now I'll sit and sulk with the Sox fans!

I thought the day was going right yesterday when I convinced Dave to keep the pool open for one more week... even if it's just decorative at this point...then we had a nice dinner with some friends and when we got home WHAMMO. The weekend suddenly sucked.

Confused? Read below. Notice Tony Stewart, the almighty defending two-time champion's name is missing? Yeah.

NASCAR SUCKS! Only the 10 drivers listed below can go on to win the championship. Even though the best driver in the sport finished 16 points outside of 10. The first loser, right?

Oh well. I'll be out shopping Sunday afternoons now!

The race for the chase as follows...

1. Matt Kenseth Leader
2. Jimmie Johnson -5
3. Kevin Harvick -10
4. Kyle Busch -15
5. Denny Hamlin -20
6. Dale Earnhardt Jr. -25
7. Mark Martin -30
8. Jeff Burton -35
9. Jeff Gordon -40
10. Kasey Kahne -45


Cheers, S.

Things...

I was blog-surfing tonight and came upon this on some random person's blog... I just thought everyone could use some basic bullshit tonight.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Cheers, S.

I'm getting too old for my social life...

This morning the phone woke me up at 11am. It was my one friend who I think is still talking to me. LOL. But it was the first time in 3+ years that I slept that late.

But when I woke up this morning I had a major sore throat, headache and a downright queasy feeling... likely caused by an excessive amount of beer & wine, smokes and swimming in 68 degree water at 10:00 at night.

As my husband has repeatedly told me about a million times today... I'm way too old for this.

Cheers,
S.

Have you googled yourself lately?

A few weeks ago I was feeling ultra bored because, as I think I have mentioned, this summer SUCKS weatherwise...so I was playing around with google.com

I have managed to find quite a few blasts from my past... and old college roommate - (who is still a bitch because she never wrote back)...a friend/boyrfriend (I forget which - poor guy) of mine from 8th grade... my old Journalism professor at Emerson... and I even dug way deep into my little black book and found the first boy I ever kissed.

I decided to be silly and email him to see if he remembered me - just for shits and giggles. Low and behold I got a "who the f are you" email back from him. Harumph. However, upon explaining where and how we met... he eased up on the profanity and sent back an "Of course I remember you email..." Now I feel better about my puckering skills. PHEW!

Anyway, back to the point of this... Later on I googled myself...And I found a lot of stuff I never knew existed on the net with my name attached to it. Even some pictures I never knew about - eek.

So if you haven't googled yourself lately, you should...you never know what might uhhh come up ;)

Cheers!

Stacey